did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
