I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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