My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
