She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
