ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
