What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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