my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
