My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
