meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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