just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
