You're a womanizer and a bitch.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Randomize
