saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I checked into jail on foursquare
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
