Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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