This is not my ceiling
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Randomize
