I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Randomize
