wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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