My Higher Power is John Stamos
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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