All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
