I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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