I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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