Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
