can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
