My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.�
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
