She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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