Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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