note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Randomize
