I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Randomize
