Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
someone threw a dead crab at me
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
