i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Randomize
