So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
