Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
