did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
