At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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