I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
