My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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