I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
