Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
