Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Randomize
