the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Randomize
