and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
