My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
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