Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
