If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up�
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Randomize
