Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
