Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
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