I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
