My Higher Power is John Stamos
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
two words: eviction party
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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