I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
