You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
