he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Randomize
