I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
